on the edge

•December 30, 2008 • Leave a Comment

we sit… waiting for 2008 to peace out and 2009 to walk in like a relative whose life has taken them far from home and their return brings with it newness,  fresh air, 1000 smiles and the anticipation of happiness. congratulations senator obama.

we also sit waiting for the end of this disastrous economic downturn, and the state of our finances to do a full 180 and bring with it jobs, jobs and dare i say it… relief. sure, i told y’all this was gonna happen in february but did i think it was going to be this bad? never in my wildest dreams.  i sit here typing at work (before hours of course) because i don’t have a computer anymore (people are hungry and will steal the food out of your mouth) at a job that’s about to end soon (companies are downsizing and trying to save what little money they have left), hoping that my dreams will remember me and that my gifts will make room for me in this world. ladies and gentlemen, now is the time when the truth and lies of the american dream (read nightmare) will be brought stage front and illuminated for all to see. did you believe? or did you have the wherewithall to have your own dreams, to not be suckerpunched by the “go to school, get a career, find a mate, buy a home, build a fence and 401k, get 2.6 cars and have 2.5 kids and a small but fiesty canine in the yard”  foolishness that has left millions upon millions of people without pot to piss in or window to throw it out of. *shrugs*

on the edge. ever stood on the edge of something? a stair, a building, a curb a cliff? when i was younger i’d stand on the edge of my skateboard. surfers call it “hanging ten” because the ten toes would be left out there over the edge of the board, doing whatever it is toes do. in this case, providing balance. but metaphorically, standing on the edge seems almost akin to standing on the edge of a cliff somewhere preparing to jump. there’s fear, hope, danger, risk, excitement and absolutely no safety.  you can see the bottom, the sides,  the front and everything that could possibly be in your way between where you are and where you want to go, but you still don’t know just what will happen once you take that dive. i watch cliff diving and base jumping alot on television and what i’ve learned is, the thing that separates a highlight video from a hospital visit is chance.  maybe a quick change in the wind’s direction, or a snag in the suit or chute, whatever you’re using and you are now face, back or leg first in some serious trouble. it keeps some from jumping at all, but entices others to keep jumping. what’s the correllation?

we are standing on the shores of this river, madmen are chasing us and just before us is this vast body of water, deep enough for us all to drown, but just on the other side there is freedom. we can’t walk across it, swim across it or jump in a boat because we have none. but this group of madmen with their bloodthirsty leader and barbaric troops advances yet closer as we bemoan our fate. what do we do? what did they do?

on the edge we find ourselves closer to the source of all our being. we see nothingness in front of us as if it is all we will ever have. we see defeat as if it is our only destiny, we see fear as if it were our only friend. but the difference between the man who won’t jump to stay safe and the one who has wounds and continues, risking life and limb, to heave his body off a cliff is faith. in whatever. he may have faith in that nylon blend parachute he’s holding in his hands, or he may have faith in the hands he knows he’s resting in even as he prepares to jump. either way, there is a seed of something stronger than his humanity at work. and it works.  facing the red sea, the recession, quitting smoking, dieting, going back to school, getting a new job, living a better life, becoming a better person, chasing dreams, whatever your edge is, understand that the only person who can make the difference between a life well lived and just an existence is you. do you dare?

poverty mentality, recession reality

•February 9, 2008 • Leave a Comment

if i can’t do anything else, i can truly come up with a fire ass title huh?

i’m researching the poverty mentality. it’s actually a syndrome, and it’s symptoms prognosis are touted by financial heads and religious heads alike. simply put, it’s the idea that when one is in dire straits, their mind automatically goes to what they don’t have or can’t attain instead of focusing maybe on what they do have and can attain. the theory is that after a period of time, like most mind fucks, the poverty mentality syndrome will completely and totally determine how successful one can be and how financially stable or unstable one can become.

why is this important? well it’s really not if you have a job and are meeting all of your needs and some of your wants. but, if you’re like me, living in income based housing, working an okay job but still finding it hard to pay your bills, it’s a bit difficult to simply change your mind. and why? because this society lauds commerce and capitalism. the more you can consume, the better you are. if you can’t consume, then clearly you suck at life. it’s a silly cycle seeing as we’re eyes deep in a recession brought on by pride and foolishness. pride in one’s ability to crush “them” and show that you “better not mess with america or we’ll kick your ass”. pride in one’s ability to trample on morality and common sense and spend money that would be better spent educating the dumbass kids in this country who are being outdone by their contemporaries in other nations, or at least allowing them free health care. why don’t we all have free health care? wtf do our tax dollars really do if we can’t get anything for free except poverty and an EIN from the IRS?

why is google not allowing me to see the results of my queries?

anyway, the stage has been set for cataclismic outcomes for black people everywhere. the college degree is best used as a fire starter for those cold wintry nights when the heat is out because the best my degree could do me is a job tutoring in an area where unemployment and illiteracy are both as high as the blood pressures of grandmothers and great grandmothers forced to rear children they only thought they’d have to see every once in a while. the parents don’t realize that their kids are dumb and lacking and are being set up to fail because they are dumb and lacking and have been set up to fail. this is not a conspiracy theory, it’s an everyday reality in small town , usa. so i’ve resorted to trying to find solace in the job that has always provided for me, waiting tables. here i sit, in small town usa, college educated, young gifted black and female, a brilliant writer and awesome poet, clawing for the life i know i should have, and just like the crab in the proverbial barrel, being knocked down to the bottom. not by my deisre to wash clothes or put gas in my car or buy groceries, but simply by the fact that around here, there are no jobs for young gifted black female brilliant writers and awesome poets. but everybody needs somebody to serve them. some people blame my lack of progress on the fact that i decided to live my life in a more renegade fashion and not be subserviant to the master’s degree chase. well, i did have that dream once, and then i looked at it more closely. staying in school an additional 4-6 years, and coming out with a phd would have only landed me deeper in debt and in a more risky place in the job market. just because you have this paper, it does not guarantee paper. so the lie we were sold about how education helps us win the white man’s game is just a lie we’ve been sold because even white people have a hard time winning the white man’s game.  let’s face it, how many condoleeza’s have come from your neighborhood?

 the next question would then be, how do we overcome this syndrome. well, i have no clue. i could say support black businesses, write to your congressman or vote for obama. but none of that really helps pay the bills. it may in the long run, but what if by then time the long run has been run or comes to fruition you’re homeless? then i guess my advice would be like serving caviar to the homeless. sounds good to some, but it just doesn’t help at all. look, when i figure this shit out, i’ll let you know, in the mean time, i’m going to continue my quest to find somebody to publish my writing and help me help me. maybe a few paychecks, some clean clothes that i didn’t have to wash by hand and some petrol for my car will change my mind. we shall see eh?


•February 7, 2008 • Leave a Comment

i need to vent.

i’m tired of being in a situation i can’t change. and i hear the christians talking about how i need to trust God to handle this for me, but, with my past and present blunders, i really don’t think God is listening to me. i am afraid to talk to Him though, i try, but the words get in the way.  i guess i expect Him to listen to my thoughts and count the times i hold back tears and fight the words that want to come flowing from my mouth. leave me alone. get away from me. fuck you. i think about life and futures and mine and i really don’t want to keep living like this but what’s the alternative? to write when all have said that writing will not pay the bills. why can’t it? why won’t it? why don’t people want to know my perspective on things? if the world was so one dimensional, would there wouldn’t be any room for online communities where blogs are not only read but subscribed to.

maybe she should leave. then this cloud would not cover her head as such and as much. but would life be better?how come i’m working and still can’t pay my bills. i went to college and my first election ended up being the one where g dub was elected president. eight years later i’m eyeballs deep in a recession that’s throwing me headfirst into poverty. help is wanted but not necessarily mine. i look at the want ads and classifieds, etc. hoping that someone will recognize their own need for an individual like me and advertise for the same. no dice.  i think i would have been better off going to tech school, then at least, i’d have a job somewhere fixing air conditioners or cutting hair or something. not that i speak ill of those things, but technical schools give their graduates a better chance at life post commencement than the bond building has. at least for me. 

there really is a line in the sand. if you choose to go past it, on make your own path, be careful because the road is not smooth. if you choose to stay behind it and simply conform to a path that seems best for you because it’s logical or holds more long-term security, my condolences and my congratulations.

i think about my brother sometimes. and his situation. i pity the fool at times and other times, i pity the woman that raised us. because he isn’t really a whole man. he’s a little boy in mens clothing. not the same thing. just like in that story where the little boy shoots his mule because he wanted to be a man. he killed his mule friend because society told him he wasn’t a man. he was half. or a quarter. or less than the 100% man that i’ve never seen. and neither has my brother. and now he’s going to be a father and the mother of the child has a reputation for being a psycho slut du jour with a penchant for stalking. go figure. but she told him he was a “good man” and now he’s her good fool. neither of us have any direction. and as much as i know God exists, i still find it hard to turn everything over to Him. one thing is for sure though, i’m tired of holding this shit in my hands. not only is it hot and heavy, it also, being shit and all, stinks to the high heavens.

i dunno. excuse my depression. and total regression. i’m lonely and bored and depressed and about 3 weeks away from being destitute. and there’s a silly cycle of foolishness going on in my life which i can’t quite seem to understand or stop. i’m aggravated because i need parents right now and have none, and my grandmother is so selfish and evil that i can’t go to her and talk about my life and honestly expect to get anything positive or nurturing out of the conversation. if anything i’ll get another reason NOT  to quit smoking.

daily routine

•September 27, 2007 • Leave a Comment
5:30 am
alarm clock goes off.  usually the eyes open and the body hates to follow.  tiresomeness is definitely a friend of mine when the feet hit the floor.  the face is washed and the teeth are brushed in about ten minutes.  can’t get dressed until i feed my dog, smacky.  she likes to play early in the morning.  definitely not in the mood but have to show her a little love.

6:50 am
arrive in the school parking lot.  say a prayer to the almighty and take a step on the grounds.  dang, it feels like i just left this place.  god has high expectations of me is what i’m thinking.  well, here goes another day.  enter the building wondering what will happen, and greeted with a smile by a colleague that always seems to be the first one in the building each morning.  definitely a source of inspiration and motivation.

7:45 am
kids arrive in homeroom.  seems like it takes them forever to copy material from the board.  lots of nonproductive talking going on.  warning of disciplinary paragraphs go out, some people are given them.  can feel my blood pressure rising sometimes but the love for the students never leaves.  don’t know how this is possible but it definitely is.

9:00 am
planning.  thinking about getting some grading done.  oh, there’s another meeting at 9:15.  why am i not surprised?  very unfocused during the meeting.  thinking of how quickly i can prepare after this thing is over.  blah, blah, blah is all i seem to hear.  and three, and two, and one,  thank goodness that’s over.  oh man, only ten minutes until the kids come back.  have to run to the copier, only to find someone else is using it.  just my luck.

10:05 am
kids return.  very excited since they just came from physical education.  wondering if they’re going to work their brains this hard for me.  clear my throat to get them refocused.  the first time doesn’t work, second doesn’t, third does with detention warnings.  wow!  i have to be the 1 threat maker.  have to do what i have to do.

12:35 pm
finally, lunch time.  stomach growling, begging for food.  wonder what we’re having?  chicken?  again?  can’t get tea to sip on without giving some chump change.  have to settle for a salad.  stomach is definitely mad at me.  students asking for money.  have to remind them that i only give out money for their birthdays.  then comes pointless lies about how they have more than one birthday.  this is why i still love them.  hopefully, they’ll reciprocate those actions by the end of the year.

2:10 pm
only one more period to go.  trying to teach myself while i teach them.  georgia studies is interesting; more interesting that i thought it would be.  watching the clock and making sure i cover everything.  are we supposed to have a “walk through” today?  lord, i hope not.  definitely can’t deal with that right now. 

3:15 pm
bell rings.  thinking about what i’ll do when i get home.  will be a while because i have to get all of my materials ready.  TAPP class on monday from 4:30-7:30 on monday, and teaching of reading class from 4:30-8:40 on thursday?  waiting for the body to shut down.  sometimes it’s too much.  still making it some kind of way.  guess the almighty is working overtime to keep me up and running.

11:00 pm
still grading papers.  wouldn’t been finished if i didn’t have class after teaching class.  forgot to do my discussion board assignment for my internet class.  guess i’ll catch up tomorrow.  will probably end up doing work all weekend for my master’s program.  haven’t worked on my research paper all week.  what a marvelous weekend i have in store for me!  not really.  i love these kids but that break around the corner is really needed.  it isn’t a break from them, just a break for me to re-energize and give my all once again.  this is definitely a learning experience.

sleep on couch with papers still in hand.  dreaming about lesson plans and how to engage students.  this job never ends!

praying for help

•August 19, 2007 • Leave a Comment

if i was to leave this earth right now, i wonder what would be my destination.  i’ll answer that question for myself by asking god to forgive me for my sins and to guide me down the correct path.  this world can be so confusing, and it’s easy to get caught up in some nonsense.  me- i’ve been trying to stay busy (teaching, going to school, doing this TAPP ish, and possibly about to locate something that i’ve been trying to find for so long).  the people around me are my inspirations, whether it’s in a positive way or the opposite.  someone once told me, “if you are the smartest person in your group of friends, i suggest you find another set of people to hang out with.”  well, i’ve been hanging out with the same people for quite some time, so i guess i know how to choose them.  i haven’t had time to do anything, and although i could go on and complain about what i wish i could do, i’ll save it.  i’ll save it because god never puts too much on us at one time, and honestly i’m learning the importance of staying organized and focused on the task at hand.  i pray that the people around me continue to find their calling in this world, and i also pray that god continues to show me the way to success.  i’m so unworthy but i thank Him for everything.

peace and love

don’t threaten me with a good time

•August 5, 2007 • Leave a Comment

been reading about hell. hell is so crucial. life is so trivial.

and all the time here i was thinking that what you thought meant something.

there is only one God, and unless i have missed a HUGE memo, you are not the Creator of all things.

and certainly not me.

so i was challenged to see if my newly renewed faith was strong.

my grandmother called me a dyke yet again. surprised? not i. neither should u be.

she hates my best friend

and is mad because i have yet to go to grad school.

made me remember how at 5 i told her i was obligated to God only.

and at 12 the same thing

and i’m sure some other times at other ages.

now i know it to be true.

because even though i do need gas money.

she offered after being completely mean and evil to me

and i declined

since i am obligated to God and owe Him my life.

and Him only

it is He

who will supply and provide for me

and there it is.

so when you’re faced with some sort of issue, think about the book “the divine revelation of hell” which you can read here:


and think about how serious those issues are compared to what some damned soul is going through.

and no, this was not a poem. i just get tired of typing dissertations when fragments will do.

be blessed… i will


•July 25, 2007 • Leave a Comment

this world that we live in moves so fast
staying sane is hard to do and it’s difficult to last
can’t move to the future without remembering the past
and if you don’t conform to society you stand out like a jackass?

some say it’s silly- why go against the majority?
because in this day in time who really wants to be the minority?
did you really want to hang with the bruhs or strut with your sorority?
or did your friends make a decision and you went with <i>that</i> majority?

making your own decision will someday get you paid
if you continue to follow behind others then you’ll end up getting laid
then your stomach gets big, crying and pampers start in 270 days
you could’ve walked your own path but you were too afraid.

november of 2000 he stepped into the house white
and shortly after that he sent your brother to iraq to fight
friend persuaded you to vote for him but you sensed something wasn’t right
hurricane wiped out your city and you starved for five days and four nights.

moving on to the future you’re wondering why you went along
with other people’s decisions because some of those were wrong.
to stand up for yourself, you really don’t have to be that strong
but think before you conform because you don’t want to sing this same song.

peace and love

true to life

•July 24, 2007 • Leave a Comment
true to life
life is crazy.  it’s full of bullshit, homelessness, racist, poverty, liars, cheaters, deceivers, back stabbers, serial killers, hopelessness, hunger, pain, anger, depression, etc, but some kind of way we have to determine our purpose here on earth.  negativity is constantly thrown in the direction of multiple people that i know and sometimes it bothers me.  it bothers me because i made it a mission to surrond myself with positive people; people who want to do something with their lives and make an impact on the poor/low-midle class communities that we came from and i must say first-hand that it’s not an easy task.many of my colleagues that i spent the last couple of years with are having a difficult time finding where they belong in this world and sometimes contemplate suicide only to make things better.  have you heard that gnarls barkley song, “just a thought?”  you should take a listen if you haven’t.  as a matter of fact i’ll pause so you can find it on the net and hear it for yourself…………………. that’s some real shit isn’t it?  and as for artists and creative people that song is a reality, only because there’s never a paradigm to place everyone.  it’s hard being an individual in a world where everyone conforms because of what friends do.  making a decision for yourself is the most important but it’s also the most difficult choice you’ll have to make in your life.  i’m still dealing with issues of my own, and i can’t make it alone.  it takes help from some spiritual being, no matter who or what you believe in.  i’m looking to the future and praying that things will go the way i envision them as far as me and my friends are concerned.  if i pray for someone and they pray for themselves, there’s no way they can go wrong. 

when two people come together in the name of our lord, those prayers will surely be answered 

i’m giving it to you real because that’s the way it was given to me.  and i’ve been silent on this blog lately but i have so much more to say.  until then….

peace and love,

confessions of a starving artist

•July 22, 2007 • 1 Comment

well. since gkg did it, i may as well do it too. and there are lots of juicy, nasty things i could let pour from my fingers but i’ll just confess some lil shit. as if any shit in my life is ever little.

i want my grandmother to die in peace. because she is dying, as we all are. but her descent is going a little faster; much to the dismay of my money hungry family. there is nothing more disgusting than watching educated, established “adults” with children and grandchildren fighting over somebody’s life. or the culmination of things “assets” or whatever that one has accumulated over a lifetime. trinkets and keepsakes, sentimental things and worthless baubles. all one’s stuff. and they’re fighting for it. before she has even gotten “sick enough to die.”  these bitches want their foot in the door. and my grandmother is constantly tellin me not to step on any toes. at least not yet. lord knows my timberlands are ready.

i’m unemployed. desperately so. brooks and i have been eating bologna sandwiches for the past 3 days. we’re about to run out of milk, cereal and kool aid. i think together we might have 2.5o and we need to save that for like an uber emergency.

no one wants to hire us. i want to think out of the box, and i have to be realistic about this because we are in a war time economy and with the recent rise in minimum wage, restaurant owners and small time stores and even big ones aren’t looking to hire anybody. and that’s not good. because i have bills people. and bologna, although it can be and is a life saver for us right now, is not enough. far be it from me to complain (tongue in cheek) but i can’t do this. not because it’s me. it’s because it’s me and brooks. i would be fine if it was just nikki and nikki didn’t have food. but brooks ain’t like me. with her health issues, not eating is almost like an automatic death sentence.

and it’s my fault.

my confession is the same as it’s been since i was 8. i’m a bi polar manic depressive with sociopathic tendencies. i want my parents and because i can’t have them, from time to time i will, unfortunately, go through things and experience feelings that no one will understand. like the desire to not eat, breathe, or live. i could give a fuck about grad school, getting a teaching job, or whatever else you trying to sell me right now because i don’t know how much longer this pack of bologna and loaf of bread will last. and i don’t know how to make 2.50 stretch to buy gas @2.89 a gallon, food, pay bills, and other necessities. i haven’t been taking showers as regularly because i’m trying to conserve my bodywash, shampoo and i don’t wanna dirty up towels, and clothes and shit, because i don’t have the money to wash them.

i am a starving artist for real. hongry for change, hungry for my purpose and just physically hungry. too poor to mail off my manuscript, too depressed to even look at my pieces, too detached to care that my depression is killing the relationship that i have with the best friend i’ve ever had. she’s bothered and impatient with the process. she’s not from here so she doesn’t want to be here, and she feels we’re wasting our lives and time here. i’m wishing i would’ve helped her get back to atlanta or somewhere and just let her have left me alone to be with me. i can’t have kids because i’d hate to feel responsible for anyone else after this. i’m just here. and that’s all. starving artistically.

no comments please. i don’t care about anything anyone would have to say right now.

keepin busy

•July 16, 2007 • Leave a Comment

tomorrow, i officially start on my journey to becoming a teacher.  i’m excited about the entire thing because i think that these kids really need my help, but i’m also a little nervous because i’ll be dealing with middle schoolers and i have this undying love for curse words and of course you know the two of them just won’t mix.  i’ve been trying to think of things to keep me busy, and although my big sis nik has let it be known that the d word can be evil, i think that i’m going to try to get my masters in education while teaching and getting certified through georgia’s tapp program.  talking about enough to keep a nucca busy…  the only thing about going back to school is the overwhelming expenses that it causes one to shell out, which i honestly don’t have right now but i really think that this is something that i would like to do, something that <i>i</i> made a decision to do, which means that i’ll probably enjoy it more than ever and make sacrifices wherever i have to in order to be successful.

i honestly don’t know what i’m going to do right now, but i have to make my mind up within a week or so.  tonight, i’ll just be my cool self and enjoy the espy awards.

peace and love